On a more serious note...

I thought I'd share this nugget of fun with ya'll...


The Diva shakes his leg a lot while sitting or sleeping and is unaware he does this.  Naturally this caused more than minor irritation to his BF (AKA The Dancer).  One sunday evening, The Dancer said -jokingly- that The Diva may have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). The Diva, being a little unsure if he's being insulted, replies "RLS? What is that... Right Leg Shaking?" This of course suddenly got my mind going.  Here is the aftermath that I presented to the group:


Well I guess if RLS is Right Leg Shaking then LLS would be Left Leg Shaking, then if you have it in both legs it would be BLS?  I guess you would pronounce it "Balls"... I can imagine the public service announcement/commercial now...


"The FDA has recently approved a number of new treatments for a disease known as Both Legs Shaking or BLS(said as Balls) for short.  You probably know a number of people how have been affected by BLS(again BLS always pronounced Balls).  Here is a moving testimonial from one woman who suffers from this debilitating condition.


'I'm a busy woman on the go, so when I found out I had BLS I was in shock. BLS didn't just affect me it also affected my family. Naturally, my BLS was a concern for my husband, and it has definitely kept him up at night more than once... and my children were curious about Mommy's BLS and frequently asked questions that I just didn't have the answers too.'


"Research indicates that more than 1 in 5 women will develop BLS in their lifetime.  Also, BLS disproportionally affects women. Very surprising to think that more women have BLS than men.  But there is hope.  A revolutionary surgery that, while still in clinical studies, may help you get rid of your BLS for good. 


"So, ask your doctor if you think you have BLS (especially if you are a woman), as only he can diagnose this. And remember there are literally millions of women with BLS out there who can help you during this journey."


If you keep coming back I'm sure you'll get more immature comedy gold like this!

The Bare Necessities...

Since I promised a blog update this week: A repost/rewrite from a previous blog attempt that totally fizzled... 

I've found that no matter how tight my budget may be, I will always find the money for these things...

Dove Soap
-After growing up in Virginia where the humidity meant never worrying about moisturizing my skin, moving to Texas's dry heat immediately taught me the importance of skin hydration. Should I use a soap other than Dove, my skin gets itchy and it feels like it is stretched tight across my entire body. More specifically (read: only slightly exaggerated), it feels as if my skin has been replaced with seran wrap that has a thin layer of itching powder beneath it. The actual sensation is annoying to put it mildly.   Also, any fat kid will tell you that the feeling of tight clothes makes you feel even fatter.  Now imagine the downward spiral that can commence when it feels like your skin has stretched tightly around your fat.  Yeah it is something of a personal hell for me, can you tell?

Decent Razor Blades
- Right after the move to Texas, family tried to cut back on some expenses. This first and only attempt at razor blades is a real life cautionary tale. My mother saw that the Dollar General had a 10 pack of razors for like a buck. Naturally she must have thought this was total win, and jumped at the opportunity.  I had the misfortune of being the first person to use these... these things... "Luckily," since I was in high school I didn't have much in the way of facial hair so had a small area on my face that I had to shave, yet the pain was so intense I couldn't finish. One swipe of that blade felt like someone was cutting my skin, spraying the wounds with lemon juice, rubbing it with salt, and finaly plucking the hair that remained out one by one.  I could go on in more detail but I think you get the picture.  Naturally, my mother felt I was just being overly dramatic, as teenagers are wont to do. But then she got her own chance with the blades when she went to shave her legs. Suffice to say, she didn't finish her chore either and we both immediately went to the store and gave the bargain bin blades a very wide berth.

Cottonelle Ultra
-Don't grumble in disgust, if you have ever used public toilet paper you know that it is usually 1/16 ply paper that is made from the paper-thin teardrops of baby doves(A favorite line from Dooce.com), or it has a texture of burlap that has been be-gemmed with broken glass. No one should ever have to experience this madness on such a tender area. So I consider it an investment in myself, and for any visitors I have.

So in short, these are three things that if I am at the store I will think... I don't really need fresh food... I have all those extra ketchup packets, and ramen at home.  I could make a spaghetti!  But God help me if I gonna skimp on the shave, shower, and you can figure out the 3rd "S."

What about anyone who reads this? What is something you ALWAYS can always find the money for?

Moooovin' on Up! (Movin' on UP) To the West Side...

The question I’ve heard the most this past week has been: “Have you started packing yet?”  And it isn’t an annoying question at all!!!  Especially when it is repeated through-out the day...everyday.  If I had known that it wasn’t going to be my ability to balance a spoon on my nose, or my awesome dungeon master skillz that would leave such a huge impression on people, but that I would only be judged very strictly on my being able to pack up an apartment in a matter of minutes I would’ve spent a lot more time practicing that high school.  

So let me answer the question... Have I started packing yet? No... Not really.  I’ve done like two boxes max and I have barely scratched the surface.  

It is unreal the amount of junk I’ve managed to accrue in the past 4 years.  It's like somewhere deep inside of me there was this person who thought... I’m going to have an opportunity to fill a bunch of boxes, and I don’t want to miss that!  So I bought and continued to buy things, or take gifts from people in the form of things I didn’t really need but it was soo thoughtful of them to give it to me!

And now, I’m stuck with the aftermath of all those poor buying decisions and wonderful overtures of friendship.  Between the mounds of clothing that I need to wash and box, the stack of bills that I just never could bring myself to destroy, and of course the kitchenware, I’ve got my work cut out for me this week.  

Needless to say (but I'll say it anyways), once I blow torch a couple things, and try to pass some stuff off as antique to the pawn shop, I’ll work on getting a post out this week.  Just have faith that it is coming, much like Jesus... or the pizza delivery guy (even though he is like 5 minutes late which will be reflected in his tip).

A Story About Poop

Let’s take a moment to talk about an important subject: Poop.  According to most studies, everyone does it.  In fact, babies and puppies are often described as being “such good poopers.”  Poop colors our commentary (for example: “Ain’t that some shit”) and most of us, whether we know it or not, have planned our lives around our body’s natural rhythm to generate and dispense of poop.

Naturally, you are wondering one (or both) of two things:  What on earth is he going to talk about in relation to poop? How many times is he going to say the word poop? And I think I will address the first question... first.

While packing some of my things (remember I’m going through that hellish life transition known as moving), I came across an old badge for one of my first jobs.  Some people may reminisce about how different they were back in the day, others might think fondly about what they spent their first few paychecks on.  In my case though the first thing I thought about was... God, I had to clean up sooo much poop there it was ridiculous.  

This eventually made me think, wow I have a number of very strong work memories each associated with poop.  “They” say your olfactory sense(AKA smell) is the most powerful memory producer.  So, I guess poop smells would stick more to my brain than something nice and subtle such as a warm summer day with honeysuckle on the breeze.  With that, let’s take a trip down memory lane and revisit a very powerful memory, in a horse drawn carriage no less(because anyone who has ridden in or near one will know that few other vehicles will provide such a fragrant accompaniment). 

My first job ever was working for a well known Water Park in Williamsburg, VA.  I used to be what was lovingly referred to as, “Area Host.”  In reality that position was a glorified janitor.  

I hated this job so very, very much.  

Probably because it was my first experience with The Public in general.  Prior to this life altering job I used to think most people could be trusted with simple tasks and were accustomed to a bevy of courtesies and routines.  I was soon violently awoken from the fairy tale dream.  

This story takes place at high noon, while I was in charge of manning the Men’s Restroom.  A task relatively gross in nature due to the over bearing smell in such a small, warm, humid space.  On this special day, I had walked into the restroom with my floor squeegee (water park remember), and my toilet wand (that bristle brush thing used to scrape caked on remains), with the expectation that this was going to be like any other day.  

Which is when I saw that one of the urinal’s looked different. Not immediately knowing how it was different I went over for closer inspection, and the thought process that ensued was something like this:

“What is that...Is that dirt?  No its too much to be dirt...Maybe it’s chocolate cake?  Where do we sell cake here, and why would someone bring it into the bathroom? And how did the cake get into the urinal? Oh my god... that’s not cake”

Sadly the thought process didn’t end there:

“I can’t believe someone took a dump in a urinal! Were the stalls that full? Were they in that much of a hurry? Wait... how... how did they even manage to get it in there?  These things are at such a weird angle.  They would have had to have perched on the lip there.  This would have required not just thought but effort! Why didn’t anyone else stop them!  For the love of all things sacred, Why didn’t anyone say, 'Hey, that’s not what that is there for, the use is in the name "URINE-AL"'”

I had so many questions, and at that moment I realized I would never get the answers I so desperately needed to help the world make sense again.  To this day whenever I am a part of, or see a “Customer Service” experience going south very, very fast.  I think to myself: Wow I bet that asshole is someone who craps in urinals.

In answer to the second question: How many times is he going to mention poop?  Not counting this sentence I mentioned 11 poops, 1 shit,  and 2 craps.  

Aren't memories fun?!

To Confirm This Friend Request...

ZO...M...G

So I'm on Facebook. And it's sooo much better than MySpace: cleaner look, no spam friend requests, and just a more secure feel in general. This perfect combination is probably why someone told not just my sister and parents to get on Facebook, but also my aunts, uncles, and even Grandma.

Which, overall, is tooootally fine. My parents have mellowed nicely with age (I've heard them when they drink and get all sharp witted. Where where these people when I was growing up?). My Aunts and Uncles are pretty cool as well.

But Grandma...? I'll admit it, when I was sent that "******** has suggested you add Grandma as a friend, click this link to confirm you know Grandma" I was a little concerned. I don't care how well adjusted you may be, chances are good that some things you post (or have had posted) on your Facebook, may not be something you want Granny to read.

Now I Twitter some hilarious postings for My Status(other people's words, not just mine), and normally post funny comments for other people's walls/pictures. However, every so often I'll work blue and drop the F-Bomb in a status update. Or I'll have friends randomly post the word "PENIS!," or more recently post results to "Which Sex Position Are You?" So the last thing I want Grandma to see is how smutty my friends and I can be.

So being a terrible grandson (and I likely will be reminded of this come judgement day) I figured since she didn't actually request me specifically I could just leave her in Request Limbo and no one would be the wiser. This worked beautifully for two days... then my mother posted (in response to a comment I left) "Yeah even your grandmother is on here now!" At that point I couldn't feign ignorance any longer and I panicked more than a prom queen with a late period.

Thankfully, a kind soul pointed me in the direction of Limited Profiles. And people... let me tell you limited profiles are a beautiful thing.

Basically you assign the person(s) of your choice to a list and can alter your privacy settings so they can only view specific portions of your account. So, let us say if your friends are always posting "Dude you were soooo wasted last night" on your wall, you can click a button and keep people on that list from ever seeing any written postings from your wall. Or if someone decided to tag you while you were mooning a police officer on a dare , a check mark blocks them from seeing any tagged photos. And with these simple steps, the angelic image you worked hard cultivating for a specific group of people remains untarnished. After all, those people will be putting in a good word for you with St. Peter.

So even though I probably over-thought the process (I mean everyone was a kid at one point), for now I'll feel much more comfortable with this setup, and I'm fairly certain she will too. And who knows? In time maybe I'll loosen up and let Grandma have free reign of my profile.

My blog on the other hand... Sorry Grandma, You're on your own with that one.

Catching Up

So... Just to catch the interwebs up:

1. Obviously, I didn't work out like I said I would. And it is fairly clear on who's shoulders that is on... The economy. If the economy had not been in the crapper I wouldn't have been forced to try resuscitate it on my own by supporting my local businesses. Local businesses which happened to take the form of super affordable sushi joints (Shout out to Momiji's!) and movie theaters. I think we can all agree that right now we have to buckle down and really just spend the hell out of ourselves, not waste our time running in place and lifting things just to put them back down again..

2. Single and happy. While I'm sure some day in the future I will gnash my teeth at this, I had to let a perfectly great guy go because I knew at this point in time I just was not ready for the commitment he would want. I finally reached a point in life where the idea of being single doesn't automatically make me curl up into a ball after I stress eat. In fact I've just now really started to enjoy the freedom being single offers.

3. Bringing me to the move that is imminent. I will be moving to a new apartment soon. The details of that will be forthcoming in it's own post. Needless to say I'm completely overwhelmed with the task of packing up my home, while simultaneously being intensely unmotivated to start the packing process. This will likely resolve itself with me throwing a bunch of crap out/donating lots of extra furniture pieces, rather than deal with the actual moving of them. I truly am a child of the disposable era.

So that pretty much helps cover the basics that have occurred since those last couple of posts. If you have questions or comments feel free to post them. Though, if they deal with my grasp of basic grammar rules I may have to ask a gypsy to curse you a la "Drag Me to Hell."

BACK IN THE SWING OF THINGS

This is the fabled Manchineel Tree. A day of idle googling led me to the worlds’ most dangerous tree. The bark, sap, leaves, and fruit (which resemble apples) are all very toxic, if burned the smoke can even cause blindness. Life is full of little surprises isn’t it?

Originally Posted THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2008

So the trip to Virginia was incredible, I came back and was mentally refreshed. Physically I was exhausted and could not wait till the weekend where I could hibernate in a warmer than sub arctic bedroom, on a bed with actual support, and wake up at a time of my own choosing. Those things aside i can’t wait to see my family again! As soon as I get some really good pictures I will post them, I was looking a little snazzy in my shirt and tie.

I’ve recently also come back into contact with a good friend I’ve known for a number of years. He lives in New York and appears to be doing very well. If he’s reading this he knows who he is, and if you don’t know who he is, then just envision my eclectic group of friends and add one more to that visual.

My life seems to be coming into a revival cycle, where doors are opening for me adding interest and vitality to my life. I’m eating better, and as soon as our company gym opens up again I will be going back to my after-work routine to try and get ready for next spring/summer. I’m also starting to get more social, if you know me you might notice that i go through phases of beng incredibly social and being a loner.

This normally also signals a return to the dating world which is occuring so wish me luck. Hopefully I will not end up left tied to a bedpost, slathered in warm windez, with a zipper mask, I mean what are the chances that would happen 4 times in a row right?

THE BIG TRIP!!

Weddings always have this excitement and joy underscored by the horrible depression of every single and aging person in attendance.

Originally Posted WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2008

Omg! The big trip is here. Tomorrow I fly out to Virginia, and I get to see my parents while I am there. Not only do I get to see them, we get to share a flight! I can’t wait to see them! One is of course because I miss them, the other is because my dad doesn’t fly well, at least he hasn’t in the past. Which means he is either relaxed via alcohol or taking a prescription to get through the flight, and that normally means he is quite funny. I’m a horrible son aren’t I? ;-)

Sadly in case you all didn’t know American Airlines Sucks!!! They now charge you to check a bag of luggage if you fly economy. Can You believe that? $15 to check some bags and that only counts one way if you have a round trip ticket, it is another $15 the other way as well. This trip was kind of expensive but it will be totally worth it in the end. It’s a freaking wedding!

I will get to see some family I haven’t seen for years. Last time I saw them I had just graduated high-school, and now it is 6 years later, and I realize “Hey I have my own life now to talk about, cuz ya know... I’m an adult.” Weird Huh? I know some people have told me to just be cool because they are family and won’t judge you. Except they will deep down, you know family judges you the harshest!!! And the wedding is in my church that I grew up in. A lot of memories there and I look forward to seeing how it has done since my last visit.

ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER DOUGHNUT

And who says people aren’t helpful anymore???

Originally Posted MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2008

So as I’m sure everyone already knows, and if you don’t, I’m going to go Virginia for a wedding at the end of this month!  I’m very excited about this trip mostly because I haven't seen this family for almost 6 years. The last time I was there I was 18 and now, according to the math, I’m 24.  Get the hell out!  I’m almost a quarter century old.  So I’m a little interested to see how everything pans out though.  It’s gonna be weird cuz I’m an adult now and can drink.  It’s all very dramatic in my mind.  Kind of like the first day of school.  Will they like me? Will we get along?  Will I bore them?  

So my questions aside, I need to bolster my confidence a little.  Since it will be old stomping grounds and all that.  I have been trying quite unsuccessfully to lose some weight.  Mostly my fault, since I have absolutely no will power to stop eating the things I like to eat, but I’ve also been letting myself use another person as an excuse to keep me from going to the gym.  That person is now no longer a reason since I no longer have to plan my day around them (no not a break-up it was a car-pool thing) so that means I can stay late at work and go to the gym without worrying if I will be done in time.  The last time I had this amount of freedom I dropped 30 pounds in 3 months.  The Healthy average is about 8 lbs. a month so I was happily chugging along.  Then old friends resurfaced, I was feeling good about my achievements, and of course I stopped.  

Now I’m getting back in shape and hopefully,  I won’t let small things side track me again till I have nice little biceps and pecs that aren’t reliant on being cold (If you know what I mean then I’ve probably already explained the phenomena to you).  If you see me cheer me on!!!

SOMETIMES, YOU ARE JUST THAT BORED

I can only imagine the sense of accomplishment these people must have felt after they had done this.  That must have been heavy though, have you ever tried to lift one of the CRT thingies?

Originally Posted SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 2008

So I had a lot of fun last night, lots of fun.  Went out with my friend, drank, talked shit, kept it really laid back.  Then at the end of the night I saw some old friends that I no longer talk too.  Which is a little sad and kinda brought the whole night down for me.  They were a lot of fun to hang out with, but the ringleader just was kind of a bastard to me and while I forgave him, it was the culmination or a lot of little somethings I could never really forget.  

So after the clubs went back to my friends where we ate some of Austin’s best pizza.  If you haven’t eaten there check out their menu http://www.myspace.com/austinonion. I was a little drunk by this point and needless to say the night ended a little awkwardly.  

And now we are back to now.  I have just hopped out of the shower a little while ago, am texting some friends, so who knows if this day will turn out fun or boring.  As of right now... kinda bored.

LAUGH, DRINK, AND BE MERRY!

Quite Possibly the BEST COMIC STRIP IN THE WORLD!!!  Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Watterson was something that I read every single day after school.  I would come home and flip open the Lifestyle section of the paper and see what calvin had been up to!

Originally Posted FRIDAY, AUGUST 1, 2008

Sometimes people take themselves way to seriously.  I would like to think that anyone  who knows me would say that I have a great sense of humor and can usually be found with a ready giggle.  That being said....

I can’t wait to go out tonight!   I plan on doing massive amount of drinking, maybe make-out with someone.  I just need to blow off some steam!  This last week has been pretty much on edge because of some work stuff that had been pretty up in the air.  And even with the outcome not quite the perfect end result I had in mind (let’s face it how much of a chance was there that I would be elected Supreme Leader Of The World?) it is certainly not a bad conclusion.  

Back to the possible make-out session (which will never happen since I’m a prude), the massive drinking (which will because I’m a lush), and hopefully a morning without a hang over (my body has been inconsistent about this so place your bets!).  This will likely be fun, people watching with someone who is slowly reaching the friend zone, vent about the day, and maybe see if I can convince him to strut his stuff on the dance floor.  

Have a great night everyone!!!